DontHurtMe1000

DontHurtMe1000: The Blitz Grinder With a Friendly Name

DontHurtMe1000 is one of those online chess accounts that seems to have been around since before the internet was invented, yet the name is disarmingly gentle. It is a plea, not a threat. The board tells a different story. Over the years this account has piled up more than 11,000 Blitz games alone, with thousands more in bullet, rapid and daily, and a stubbornly level scoreline in almost every format. The handle gets the joke out of the way in the first three seconds.

• Nearly 8,000 Blitz games spread over roughly a decade
• A longest winning streak of 40 games, which is an unreasonable number of hands to win in a row
• Rapid peaked at 2,009, the highest mark on the account
• Daily chess is an entirely different, far more murderous story

If the name is a shield, the results are the sword. Just not a particularly sharp one. The Blitz record of 4,853 wins and 4,527 losses across 530 draws is the record of a player who shows up constantly, takes photographs of the scoreboard, and never edits a single one.